before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize