I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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