Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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