I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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