he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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