I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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