I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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