dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
