Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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