I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
just tell him i said nine months
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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