im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
