A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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