his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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