i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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