I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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