her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
