I'm going to jail i love you
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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