we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
