dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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