I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
