you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
