i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
