i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
