Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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