I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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