i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Holy sore nipples Batman
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
