in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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