I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
