one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
