I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
