I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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