Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just found puke in my bra..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
