Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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