Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize