6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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