i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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