Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize