complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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