I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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