my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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