Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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