oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
