If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
