Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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