He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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