just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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