you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
