he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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