She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Randomize
