apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
