She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
