Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
