He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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