i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
