Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
