While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
