It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
