I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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