They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
