dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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