you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
