Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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