turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
