saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
