okay pat passed out under dana's car
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I booty called her while she was in labor.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
