ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
