Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize