That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
